Pregnancy is a Magical Experience?

I am the youngest in my family -- so, I never had the pleasure of observing my mom being pregnant. And, I never learned really anything at all about what it's like to be pregnant.

OH - except for this...when I was 7 or 8-ish, we found out my best friend's mom was pregnant! They announced it at school -- and everyone was REALLY excited. I went home that day with a load of "where do babies come from" type questions. Which, of course, I relayed to the one person who (in my mind) knew everything...my big sister, Kelly.

I don't remember the majority of that conversation, thankfully, but one answer she gave has been stuck in my mind for the last 16 years or so. I asked something along the lines of "does it hurt" or "what does it feel like"? And, with all the wisdom of her 15 years -- she responded...


"Like someone opening an umbrella from inside of you and pushing it out!"


Thanks Sis!

Now - we will never know for sure, but I am thinking that is when my fear of pregnancy began!

Basically, for 2/3rds of my life -- I have been very afraid of pregnancy in general. So, you can imagine my apprehension at the beginning of all this.

I started reading right away (BIG MISTAKE - but that topic deserves a post of it's own) and all these women were sharing stories about how "magical" pregnancy made them feel, how much they loved it, how they would volunteer to be a surrogate mother if only their husbands would let them...etc.

So, I thought -- maybe this whole pregnancy thing isn't as bad as I always thought it would be.

The month following that thought was filled with -- puking (in the shower, kitchen sink, yard and occasionally the toilet), being so tired that I could fall asleep at 7 pm with the TV, lights and barking dog all on, and waking up EVERY morning at 3 am to stuff my bottomless stomach (I once ate an entire cantaloupe in the middle of the night). And last, but most certainly not least, fainting at work and having just a small enough seizure-like episode that my co-workers called 911 just to be safe...the entire fire department from down the street and 2 ambulances arrived on the scene at approximately 9am -- when the rest of the people in our office complex were just pulling in to start their work day!

About 3 months in -- there was a week when I cried every single day. And not just like a little tear here and there, a full on emotional breakdown (which my fellow bump-mate and new cousin - Christine - warned me about). I was pretty sure that Adam was convinced I was totally insane, but he would sit with me and hug me and assure me that he still thought I was normal -- and offer to do just about anything he could think of to make me stop crying (husbands are the best).

Now, I do think these episodes were partially hormone-inspired -- but I was crying because I secretly HATED being pregnant and I felt more guilty about it than anything I have ever done in my entire life. There was nothing I could do to change my own mind/feelings. And, I felt like I couldn't tell anyone because they would think I was a terrible person. I'm used to being able to take challenges in stride, but this was different.

Finally - at the end of this tear-stained week - I spilled my guts to Adam in a conversation prefaced with "please don't be mad at me or think that I am horrible...BUT...". And then the most amazing thing happened -- he actually laughed at me (in an understanding way) and told me that he was pretty certain there were a lot of people that could relate to what I was feeling. Then, he gave me the best advice of all...to tell people the TRUTH when they asked how I was doing. Now, I was pretty skeptical about all of this because I think people generally expect questions like that to be answered in a positive, non-specific manner AND I didn't really want anyone feeling sorry for me...I prefer to throw private pity parties.But anyway -- I kept his advice in the back of my mind.

A week or so later another amazing thing happened...I was talking to another bump-mate of mine, Jaci, and I hesitantly confessed to her how much I hated being pregnant and how much I was struggling with how I felt. She responded to all of this with a big "ME TOO"!! What a huge relief!! It was on that day that we decided WE were normal and those other girls with their magical pregnancies were the REAL weirdos!

Shortly after this conversation took place, we found out we were having a girl, and I started to look more pregnant than disproportioned! I can't be certain if it was the comfort of realizing that it was OK to think pregnancy sucks, finding people who could identify with me, or getting a better grasp on the fact that there is a real baby girl growing inside of me, but for the last month or so -- my feelings towards pregnancy have been downgraded from hate to strongly dislike. Most importantly, I've stopped worrying and accepted the fact that I'm just not one of those girls who thrives on being pregnant. And, I am confident that both Jaci and I will love our baby girls more than anything in the world...even if we despise pretty much everything about being pregnant.

Now I can worry about more important things -- like saving for prom dresses and weddings, figuring out how we will fit all of the baby paraphernalia into one tiny closet...and figuring out what in the WORLD Braxton Hicks means (because according to Jaci -- Hicks is not the middle name of Niki's dog).